Thanks, September 23rd

Today, I’m thankful for tests and trials. They suck to go through but they make us who we are. I’m thankful that we don’t have to go it alone. I struggle more with worry than I have ever before, but I’m thankful for people I can lean on when worry strikes. Mortality is real. The weights of this world are real. But so is God, so is Love, so is Family, so are Friends.

Thanks, July 19th

Today, I’m thankful for my Cashman. I’m ridiculously thankful for both of my sons, but today I’d like to focus on my eldest, Cash Hendrix. He is 5 and a half, starts kindergarten in the Fall, and is a very smart and interesting little dude. Like all children, he has he naughty moments, can be defiant, and is certainly no angel. But there are moments where he just makes my heart melt with little comments and questions that are wise beyond his short years. He gets so excited about small things, like falling asleep in bed with me, taking a 5 minute dip in the hot tub once his brother is asleep, and having his momma snuggle up in his bed for a few minutes when she gets home late from derby practice. And, despite brotherly fights and arguing, I catch him doing big brother things like sharing a toy, getting his little brother a drink from the kitchen, or trying to calm his little brother when upset. I love and cherish my little man… my little man who is growing up too fast.

Lately, I’ve been singing this song in my head a bunch. It’s from my high school years by a Christian punk band that I booked for a show when I was 15. The drummer, Russ, wrote it for his first son. I just wanted to share. I think it pretty much sums up how I feel when it comes to both of my boys.

I’m already sorry for all of the harm that is to come
I’m already thankful for the man I know that you’ll become
So, look up and laugh, we’ll cross that finish line together
Sleep tight tonight child and I will be watching over you
Rest assured God will be watching over you

All you need to learn, I’ll keep you safe from harm
I’d do all it takes
I’d lay down my life as long as I know you’ll be all right
I give you all my victories ’cause without you I’m not quite me
Rest assured I said I’d never leave

Thanks, July 16th

Today I’m thankful for a specific family member. I mentioned earlier about my frustration that someone I care about just found out they are sick. Her grace and approach upon hearing this seemingly troubling info is astounding. I wish I could face my trials and struggles with a grace like hers, one that says, “Why worry? Just keep moving forward one day at a time!”

Frustrated

I know I’ve been working on keeping a positive outlook and that this post may feels counterproductive to that, but I wake up today feeling frustrated. In the past year, I’ve seen people I care about pass away, get sick, and go through struggles that I wouldn’t wish on my enemies. Last night, someone else that I hold dear got tough news about a trial they shouldn’t be forced to face but now must.

I woke up wanting to believe that it was all a bad dream, a hellish nightmare. It’s not fair that this person should be forced to go through illness and treatment at this age. It’s not fair that this person must now fear if they will make it through the treatments alive and well. But it’s reality and it’s not just a nightmare.

I hope that this person can take solace in that they will not go it alone. I hope that this person knows that family and friends are hear to help. I hope that this person know that I care. I hope that this person knows how much I’ll be thinking and praying. I hope this person comes out the other side stronger for having faced this struggle. But most of all, I know that this person doesn’t deserve this and I hate that they have to deal with this. I love this person and I hope they know that they can lean on me, on us.

Please keep this person that I hold dear to my heart in your thoughts and prayers.

Thanks, July 15th

I’m thankful I had a great weekend with my wife and kiddos, as well as a nice visit from my pops.

I’m thankful for my extended family who have put up with me for about a decade so far.

I’m thankful for giving and receiving support in the midst of struggle.

I’m thankful that I’m alive and healthy… and that I’m working on being healthier.

I’m thankful for a beautiful wife to share this journey with.

I’m thankful for my two amazingly beautiful little boys.

I’m thankful for so many blessings that remind me that the tough shit is all worth and that there is always a reason to keep fighting.

Move Forward! Let it Go!

It’s been nearly a month since I posted… since I posted anything I’m thankful for… since I’ve posted anything at all on here…

I’ve been unmotivated… unmotivated to be at work… unmotivated to post here or on my music/media/culture website… unmotivated to do much of anything that I don’t really have to do… unmotivated to do some of the things that I do have to do…

I feel trapped… trapped by the capitalist machine where I work in order to get ahead, but don’t actually feel like I get ahead… trapped by mortality, seeing people I care about pass away, being reminded that they are gone… trapped by my own mortality, my own illnesses, however small, reminding me that life is fleeting…

I feel guilty… guilty that I am not yet who or where I want to be… guilty that I cannot always be the perfect father or perfect husband… guilty that I cannot reach the ideal…

But today I’ve spent so much time on a huge introspective journey. Perhaps it’s the lack of sleep or the medications I’m adjusting to or something in the air… but I realize that feeling guilty, unmotivated, trapped, and whatever other feelings that have been bogging me down is not at all productive. I need to get back on the thankfulness train, I need to regain my positive outlook, I need to focus on what matters…

My wife matters… she is my #1 person in my life.

My kids matter… they are why I push through the crap, who I work to provide for.

My health matters… because I need to be able to be there for these boys and that beautiful woman.

Being able to let go of grief, pain, guilt, fear, anger, and unproductive feelings matters… because dwelling on them only fucks up my ability to be a better husband, father, follower of Christ… just a better me.

So, today I am making (yet another) pact with myself. Today, I’m letting the shit go. Today, I’m going to make a decided effort to strengthen my faith, let go of what bogs me down, and just do the best I can.

Today, I’m thankful for second (third, fourth, and so on) chances. Today, I’m thankful for the important things. Today, I’m thankful for new beginnings. Today, I’m thankful for support and love. Today, I’m thankful that I have so many things to be thankful about.

Trying to Be Thankful

I’ve had a rough week on the thankfulness tip. I try to stick with the idea of being thankful every day… I mean I always have things to be thankful for… but bitterness has crept in this week in a big way.

I’m sincerely sick of self-righteous self-deceiving church leaders who shit on the little people… and it makes it hard to call myself a Christian. I love Jesus, but so many of the people who claim to follow him don’t even seem to try to follow His words at all.

So… I AM thankful for my friends who keep the faith and fight through the bullshit, but I AM NOT thankful for these men and women “of God” who power trip and refuse to live lives that God would be proud of. I know I fail time and time again, too, but it’s hard to believe that some of these church leaders even try to live a faithful life.

Praying for the people being oppressed by these powerful men and women who pretend to be living for Christ… there are people hurting right at this moment that I type and my heart goes out to them.

Thanks, Day 85

To be honest, today has been pissing me off. I was upset about a family situation for a big chunk of the day. I’m sick of reading stories of stupid Christians who don’t represent Jesus at all. I’m tired of being told that I can’t call a bigot a bigot, because people has religious rights. I find 90 % of social media pudding me off…

But, I’m thankful for this personal assignment. I’m thankful that I wanted to do this. Forcing myself to think on what I’m thankful for today makes me shift focus, if only for a few minutes.

I’m thankful I’m a dad and a husband. I’m thankful for my three greatest blessings. I love you, Cash, Weston, and Brookie!

Today, I’m thankful that I am remembering to be thankful!

Thanks, Day 78-79

These past two days, I’ve been thankful that I feel better each day.

Yesterday, I was thankful to have an early night where I got to snuggle in bed with my wife and watch a movie.

Today, I am thankful for a touching moment with my 3 year old where he made me bow my head and pray before putting him to bed. His prayer: “Tank you for Tashman (his brother Cash who he calls Cashman), Momma, and Daddy… Ayyyyyy-Men!”

Sowing Seeds